I know you’ve heard it before, but I’ll say it again; depression sucks. The past two weeks of my life were spent almost exclusively in bed. I can’t speak for everyone’s experience but the best way to explain it is this relentless desire to sleep. Any attempt to intrinsically motivate myself resulted in me feeling hopeless, angry, or anxious. Thinking about it hurts. I have a nasty habit of repressing things so maybe writing about it will keep me from closing the door on my reality.
I’ve lived with depression for so long that I fear that I’ll never be able to shake it. When I starting typing this post, I was content, but how quickly things have changed. I don’t want to lie to myself, I don’t want to pretend I’m better, when the truth is that it’s always there, I’m just better at going about my life somedays. How somber an idea.
I’ve lived through a lot of intense things that I’ll tell you about one day, but I will tell you that it’s caused me to loose sight of myself. I put up so many walls that I’ve trapped my truest self in a maze of faces, none of them mine.
Even with all the background noise of my depression there are things that I do know the person I am in this moment.
I want to share my story, for better or for worse. I have been lucky enough to meet some very strong, inspiring women and one in particular told me I was brave for sharing my story on social media. She told me that her, her family, and friends have been affected by depression and to know that she’s still the strong, independent, brilliant woman that she is, made me feel…something I can’t explain. In addition, I want to be able to be able to better compose my thoughts on the issue. It’s easy to write about it when I’m “happy” but I want to be able to sit down and eloquently express what I’m feeling in those low moments. Maybe I’ll find something that can keep those lows a bit less low. But then I fear, who will I be without my depression?
I love music. That’s exactly what inspired me to write this post. I’ve been a dancer ever since I was born, and I still am. But I was only interested if I liked the song, the choreography could be the same but if the music didn’t make me feel something then I simply couldn’t preform. This music video/song makes me want to dance. It speaks to the moment I’m currently living. It sounds like joy teetering on the edge of darkness. A light illuminating the details of a safe place covered in black. This song is me, right now, as I am. A human with flaws but free to dance them out, express them, let them breathe before I force myself to swallow them back up. Dancing to this song, makes me feel like myself. And that self, in that moment, is beautiful.
With love, goodnight.