Life has changed yet, I still find myself stuck. Stuck in the same negative thoughts and cycles. Feeling like an imposter. Feeling dumb. Feeling numb. Recently these thoughts pulled me back into a suicidal state. To be honest, those thoughts haven’t quite passed yet….
There are many things that have shaped my mental state. Things that people have long forgotten. Things that I never forgot. My therapist said it could take years to undo the knots in my mind. Years….. Years of work. Years of regression and progression. Years of ebbing and flowing. Years of suffering at the hands of myself.
Suicide still seems like a valid option sometimes. “A permanent solution to a temporary problem.” But years doesn’t feel so very temporary.
All this said, I’ve survived. Through the screaming, the shattering, the stabbing, the crying. I managed to survive the nights spent sleeping in my closet to calm my nerves. Or the nights spent clawing at my skin to remove imperfects.
It may be that I don’t make it out alive.
It may be that I never find peace of mind.
But I have survived. And until I can live, I will continue to survive…..or die trying.